Tears for fears…

pink ink…

Anyone who has spent any time around me has met my chicklet. My mini-me! I should say, my mini me on steroids! Yes, I prayed, begged, crossed my fingers for a healthy baby…GIRL! Maybe somewhere deep down inside, I knew I would have only one child. What’s that phrase? “God only gives you what you can handle”. So my “one”, is my little “lima bean” (I used to call her that b/c my 1st picture of her is the lima bean ultrasound), my chicklet. She and my husband are my greatest joys.

My “baby girl” and I are very close. So often, it is just the two of us, while my husband is out providing for the family. We do mommy daughter vacays, spa days, movie nights, you name it. She is already a “group chick”, accompanying me to all my chapter meetings, service projects, and charity events. People ask where she is if I happen to show up at something by myself! I am also fiercely protective of my little one. That Parenthood episode where the mom curses out another child for harassing her kid? Been there, done that! I had to “snatch” up another little girl in 3rd grade and let her know I didn’t want to have to come back up to the school. Risky? Yes? Necessary? Yes? Did she bother my baby again? NO.

That’s not to say my mini me is always easy. She is indeed a dramatic, strong willed, independent only child. I have to remind us both that she is indeed only nine. Many times, my sis has had to remind me not to be “so hard” on her. But don’t we all just want the best for our children. Don’t we all want to rest assured that they won’t embarrass us in public? LOL

This weekend has been no different than most. Mommy and baby girl on the run. Saturday, we went with our Age Group in Jack & Jill and presented Christmas gifts to an adopted family. We came home and had Mommy-daughter movie night and watched Coming to America. (Classic!) Today, we attended the Mother Daughter Tea for the Cotillion participants. I spoke. She listened. She spoke! It was her 1st time having “high tea”, hat and all. It warmed my heart.

But the weekend didn’t start off so well. It began well enough. Mommy-daughter pizza and a movie. Then it was time for bed. After she showered, we climbed into her bed. She “journaled” while I “rested my eyes”. Next thing I knew, there were full-blown tears! My baby was hurting. For the next 20 minutes, I listened to her articulate that she was scared for me. That she missed being able to just climb into bed with me. (Chemo prevents that most times) That she was scared to touch me for fear she would hurt my breast. That if she didn’t “worry” about me, my breast cancer would get worse. That she didn’t think she was doing enough to make me better. It broke my heart when she cried why did breast cancer have to hurt her mommy.

I have often shared that I have only cried 3x during Life in the Cancer Lane. Twice, when worrying about how this will affect her, and once from unmitigated pain. Well now, chalk up one more time. I did manage not to cry in front of her. But it took another 30 minutes for me to comfort her and get her to sleep. During that time, she asked why she hasn’t seen me, and her father cry! Ugh. She asked why we “have to be strong”. It was devastating. This was one of those times I was reminded she is only 9. You see, she knows more about BC than most adults do. That is a curse and a blessing. But in that moment, she was just a scared, little, 9 year old girl. How do I protect my baby from that kind of hurt? How do I make my daughter feel safe again?

When I finally got her to sleep, I sat in the front room and cried for another 15 minutes. What was happening to my baby? Man, will I be happy when all this is over. What can we do to make her feel better, feel normal? Yes, kids go through ups and downs. They fail and succeed. If we are doing our job, they should come out on the other side, better for it. But I have to admit, I ached for my baby, and I wish this were one “lesson” she didn’t have to learn.

This experience also reminded me that somewhere in Florida, my mom was probably having the same thoughts. She and my dad are healthy and active even though in their 70s and 80s. To watch their child go through something like this must be heartbreaking. Many of their friends have ventured into the Cancer Lane. But why their child? Why now? I’d like to hope that my parents haven’t suffered too much during this? But when I think about my own child, I know that they have their own pain.

No “happy endings” that night. When my husband came home, he comforted me, as he always does. We can only continue to do the best we can for our baby. Keep on “loving on her” during this process. What else can we do? Ok, Barb, pull out those Big Girl Panties.

But that night, I went to sleep thinking of 3 generations of

Tears For Fears…

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. regina
    Dec 12, 2011 @ 23:33:03

    Ship – Blayre is an August leo and in between the hurt and tears we are still strong! She is such a sweetheart! You and Brendon are doing such a god job as parents. I continue to pray for you all. See you soon!


  2. Paige
    Dec 13, 2011 @ 02:43:59

    Big Girls Cry Too …. and it Just Fine! I have tissues 🙂


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