Radio Silent

red ink . . .

Have you ever been rendered speechless? Anyone who knows this particular lawyer chick knows that really doesn’t happen very often! But there are those times when my words simply seem inadequate. Occasionally, I have this dream where I open my mouth, usually trying desperately to say something, and nothing comes out. In the dream, I feel like I’m watching something happen and I can’t do anything to stop it or to help. That’s exactly how I felt when my lil’ sis told me, after weeks of progressively good news, that the cancer was back, bigger, and that she had to have surgery just before Christmas, likely spending the holiday in the hospital. It felt like a punch in the stomach. For friends and family on this journey, when your breath is taken away by a development, you can only imagine how your loved one is feeling and you are left sometimes, for short periods, without words.

Thank God, she had a successful surgery and is home recovering now, and my belated Christmas gift was a break in the radio silence and a chance to talk to her and to hear her sounding like herself. Minutes into the conversation, she was beating herself up for not being “strong enough” to handle all the pain, yet I was the one who was rendered silent (online at least) by her ordeal. Imagine that! Please know that I kept talking to her until the day of her surgery, and even managed to sneak in a talk (thanks Tracey!) just after her surgery, but I didn’t have anything for the “chicks” fans – I just didn’t have any words.

Before she went in for her chemo treatments and even before her surgery, we always joked about how it was my “job” to keep up the blog posts while she was “radio silent” so I feel a little bad for not keeping up my end of the bargain, while she has been posting away despite everything that she has been going through. But my journey isn’t the same as hers, and this time, I gave into the silence and simply let go.

During this Christmas season, it strikes me that there are times when we all need to “turn off our radios” and just feel the weight of something. It might be the pain you’re experiencing at a particular moment, it might be missing a loved one or it might be a great joy like the birth of a child.

As we live this life moving quickly from one “to-do” to the next, I realize that I’m actually grateful for those times when I have been literally stopped in my tracks. It’s during those times – stopped in my own tracks – that I know what is really most important and that I take the time to think, to cry, to appreciate and to pray, and that’s exactly what I did.

Radio’s back on . . .

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