50/50 part deux

pink ink…

Do you ever have those days when you are just all over the map? Of course you do. That’s life, and that’s the kind of day I am having. I just finished my 7th chemo treatment. For those of you keeping up, I have 1 more to go..or so they say. But let’s back up a few steps.

I too watched 50/50 last week. That was the plan. Michele & I would both watch, then talk and post. I remember when this movie came out. It was 2 weeks after I was diagnosed. As Michele mentioned, it’s about a young guy who finds out he has cancer, and how he and his best friend deal with it. The title represents his chance of survival! I distinctly remember all the great press around this movie. Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon Levitt assured all it wasn’t sad! It was a dramedy! Yet, at the time it was too close. I didn’t have a desire to see it. Even though I knew the main character lives (NOT a spoiler, as he wrote the movie), I just couldn’t do it. People encouraged my mom to watch it while she was staying with me, during those 1st few weeks of chemo. Like me, she was like “umm…NO”.

Well, I finally watched it, and I am glad I did! I would recommend this movie to newly diagnosed people, people in the Cancer Lane, their caretakers, or anyone else facing a serious medical condition. Also, folks who just like a well-written movie. But for those of us living the Cancer journey, it is spot on. When I 1st turned on the movie, I had a nice healthy pour of wine to “help” me through. Turns out I didn’t really need it. I did however, spend most of the movie saying “Exactly”. I saw myself in the main character, pieces of my friends in others. I wish my mom and I, or Michele & I had watched it together, earlier. It would definitely have opened up some great dialog. I won’t rehash the movie. Go rent it! I know one of you is asking when I cried…b/c you know I did! Two times, other than the random tear, here and there. First, when “Adam” is ignoring his mom’s calls because he’s not up to talking. But then he realizes (in a later scene) what she is going through as a parent. Been there! Also, the scene where “Adam” is about to be wheeled into surgery left me in racking sobs. I will never forget my fear. I will never forget saying to Big B if I didn’t see him again, I loved him and to take care of my baby. Tears…

Speaking of Big B, this weekend, his 2 best friends surprised him and flew into town. Small piece of advice for those of us who are “ill”. Don’t forget about your spouse. If they are the main caregiver, they need a break. But sometimes, you have to force it! It’s been a rough 5 months for Big B. Two months ago I reached out to Big B’s buddies, picked a date, and said, “Please come and take care of your boy. He will need it by February.” They never hesitated. Via email, I connected his frat/best friends here, with the 2 out of town. This weekend it all came together. A weekend of relaxation for Big B, and he didn’t have to worry/think about me! It was wonderful weather, and for 2 days they sat outside, ate, drank etc. Great male bonding. I will be forever grateful to his 5 buddies. Again, friendship at its best!

After his friends left, the 3 of us sat and watched the Super Bowl. Despite the game, it was a relaxing evening. (Side note…I still love Madonna! Her last concert was one of the best I have ever seen! I’m an eighties child!) But alas, my sleep was intermittent, as all I could think of was how today’s treatment would affect me. Well, it was tough today. I didn’t feel like dressing up, or putting on make up. I just didn’t feel like “it”!

It was packed in “Chemo Village” this morning! But I got right in. Accessing my port hurt like hell. We put the numbing cream on an hour before, but I could still feel the needle all up in my vein! The nurse figured out it is probably a side effect from surgery. Lovely. Hopefully, I really only have one more treatment. I also got nauseous today, which upset me. Big B was like “What’s wrong babe? Why are you upset?” I just couldn’t take being back there.

Ironically, and unfortunately, 50/50 came flooding back to me. I am SO thankful that I have my own suite! In the movie the men all sit in a semi-circle as they receive treatment. No thank you. Chemo in some ways is very private. Some people may benefit from the company. Not me. I bring my own. In chemo, you don’t know how you will react emotionally or physically. While I am generally very open about this whole process, I don’t really need anyone else to see me vomit. My heart broke today, when B and I realized that the woman in the next suite was starting her 1st round of chemo this morning. She looked scared but resigned. I remember October 10th, my 1st treatment, like it was yesterday! I wanted to speak to her so badly! Give comfort somehow. But I followed my own advice. I smiled, gave her the head nod, and said hi as we left. Today was not the day to enter her Lane.

So that’s why I am all over the place. I sit here typing as the side effects are already rolling through my body. My stomach is cramping, my port hurts, and my boobs are achy. Neuropathy is around the corner. My white blood count is really low, so I have to go back for a “shot” tomorrow. Did I mention that I have only 2 eyelashes left on eye? Just when my hair is starting to grow back, I am losing eyebrows and eyelashes! Pretty!

But this is just one day! It will pass. The chance that tomorrow will be better? Let’s pray for more than…50/50!

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Joyce
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 22:37:34

    I know it’s hard but hang in there. It will soon be over.


  2. Delores Crews
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 01:28:17

    Praying for nothing but 100% for you!


  3. Paigepink
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 16:22:07

    Tomorrow is Always Better … Trust & Believe ❤ ❤ ❤


  4. JC Ellis
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 12:13:14

    I am so renting 50-50 this weekend! I’m glad that you were able to arrange for your rock aka Big B to hang with his boys for a frat/male bonding weekend! I’m also not surprised that you and big B (being the boojies that you are) found a chemo center that offered private chemo suites vs. the group chemo rooms, cause even in the cancer lane, you ride in the front of the plane. :>)


  5. Marla Blair
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 13:34:45

    You is kind, you is smart, you is brave, you is tough and you is cancer free! Hang in there I’m praying for you and the B’s.


  6. Gina
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 22:14:05

    hey ship….just letting you know I am thinking of you. Del and and I send you love this Valentine’s day. Smooches! Gina #14


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