Of Fighting

Pink Ink…

“This is a time of compassion and a time of healing.  I go within and connect with that part of myself that knows how to heal.  It is possible.  I know that I am in the process of healing.  During this time, I discover my healing abilities-abilities that are strong and powerful. I am incredibly capable.  I am willing to go to a new level to truly heal myself on all possible levels.   I am spirit.  And being spirit, I am free to help myself-and the world”-Louise Hay

This is the meditation I am now saying.  Life just got real…again.

Here’s the quick and dirty.  My breast cancer has “metastasized” in my lungs.  This means that the cancer has spread from its original spot into another place in the body.  Although some types of metastatic cancers can be cured, most cannot.

Big B and I got the news late Friday night.  Needless to say we are devastated and in shock.  I guess this is what most people go through when they get their initial diagnosis.  So now I know what it feels like to contemplate the very real possibility that I won’t see my daughter off to college.  The very real possibility of B being a widower.  Not a good weekend.  I have never clung to my husband harder and longer than I did Friday.

But you know me.  BIG GIRL PANTIES!

Saturday, after no sleep, Lil B and I had mommy-daughter day.  I took her to get her hair done, then went bra shopping…for both of us!! Then we had lunch, followed by her putting make up on me! Good times!  Later that night, the 3 of us went to the movies. Trust me, it was tough!  During the day I would steal away to briefly cry. To mourn.  I cried freely under the cover of “Wreck it Ralph”, the movie!  While I haven’t been sleeping, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I have to teach her! So Sunday morning she learned to make pancakes by herself.  It was a little messy, but they tasted good. Next up? Omelets! She has now been charged with cooking breakfast for us over Thanksgiving!  Later, we went to the AZ State Fair.

High atop the ferris wheel!

This was a big deal because last year I missed it due to chemo.  While I didn’t want to go this year, I did.  Because I had to.

This is shocking to everyone.

WE HAVE NOT TOLD LIL B.

 

Again, WE HAVE NOT TOLD LIL B. 

So please, if you call, please don’t refer to it in detail.  We will share once we figure out our plan.  Fortunately, I am feeling good. I don’t look or feel sick.  I don’t want to spend my days wondering if this cough or that bruise is because I am dying.  I have too much to do before then.  I have to believe that this is part of God’s plan.  I have to keep spreading “the word”!

Thank you in advance for your love, support and prayers!  We need it all, and then some.  If I don’t take your call, don’t take it personally.  (Seems like I’ve said that MANY times before! LOL) The blog will continue. Ironically, we started the blog in November 2011.  Lately, I had been thinking how it would continue. What stories would we tell? Funny how things happen.

Reminder: Don’t check Facebook for updates! Not going to happen! Lol

B and I need to focus on our family.  I need to focus on filling up my husband and daughter with all the love and information I have to give.  I need to continue creating great memories for them.  I am so thankful that Big B and I had the opportunity to renew our vows this year, surrounded by love. I will always treasure that, and hope Big and Lil B will also.

B said he’d hang around awhile longer!

I am indeed tired already of the tests, and prodding from treatment.  I am indeed already tired of crying.  I am indeed tired of being the poster girl for “Things that can happen”.  I am indeed tired of people crying for me.  I am indeed…TIRED!

But I am NOT tired…of fighting.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Dee Crews
    Nov 05, 2012 @ 19:50:18

    Keep fighting, praying,and making precious memories with your family! You are inspiration to us all. We serve a healing God and I have faith that you will be healed through His Grace. XOXO Dee Crews

    Reply

  2. alwaysmomof4
    Nov 05, 2012 @ 21:10:59

    Barb,
    Despair is defined as the absence of hope. When you wrote, “I need to focus on filling up my husband and daughter with all the love and information I have to give. I need to continue creating great memories for them,” it is clear that while you grieve, mourn and rage against the horrific circumstances you face, despair has not overtaken you. It may pass by, but the hope and resolve you show exemplifies that You know how to live.
    Be good to yourself,
    Jackie
    (college friend of Michele’s)

    Reply

  3. TME
    Nov 05, 2012 @ 22:24:17

    Brave post, BWats. And the wisest line in my humble opinion (and your post is FILLED with wisdom) is this: “I am indeed…TIRED! But I am NOT tired…of fighting.” Nana loved to run the following line, and it is definitely apropos, “rest if you must, but don’t you quit!” Here always and ever, T

    Reply

  4. Traci Lamothe
    Nov 07, 2012 @ 15:23:34

    You are an inspiration my friend. Don’t ever give up the fight, because despite the doctors and their “predictions”, God is the Great Healer. Believe in miracles because I do.
    “He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.”
    Job 9:10

    Reply

  5. JC Ellis
    Nov 08, 2012 @ 02:12:52

    I am ashamed to share that I have been scared to visit inkwell chicks for fear that I would read a post like this and not know what to say, do or write because anything i might write seems insignificant. But that’s the coward in me taking control. Red Ink told me at a “pink & blue” meeting on Monday and it’s taken me 2 days to read the blog myself. I know that there’s nothing I can do, but let you know that our family is praying for you, Big B and Lil’ B because God is still very much in control. I am hoping to have some juicy gut wrenching “video hussy” gossip to share with you like last time if only to distract you from your journey for a second. BTW, I saw “the video queen” and her hubby @ an event & she’s still holding her head up high parading around like what she did was quite normal and she should receive an NAACP Image Award for her “performance!” No joke. I’d have dropped out of the “club” and moved out of sheer shame! When my dad battled cancer, he was tired too. Tired of talking about C all the damn time. So I only called him with current events, updates on my tribe and gossip. If he felt like sharing his C story, I listened, but otherwise we talked about other stuff. Glad you are teaching lil’ B how to cook and other life skills. Tell her the secret to the best pancakes ever is vanilla extract and two big dollops of sour cream (yes, sour cream) in the batter. Trust!! You have taught Lil’ B the most important lesson about being a woman, and that is being a fighter, a survivor and doing it with courage and boldness! I hope you are creating movies of yourself w/lil’ B, but knowing you, you’ve hired a Hollywood producer to create a video to play at Lil’ B’s nuptials just in case. I love you, my friend. Signed, “one of the pretty deltas”

    Reply

  6. C. Swanson
    Nov 08, 2012 @ 06:18:32

    Sending mad love and prayers for you and the fam.

    Reply

  7. Yasmin
    Nov 08, 2012 @ 08:05:39

    This is my 6th attempt, so needless to say, I’m struggling for the “right” words. But what I can say easily and clearly is that you exemplify grace, courage and open-hearted love. (And, my dear, you are an “excellent lawyer” with fly green shoes:):). I am learning so much from you on this walk, and how I want to be as a wife and as a mother. You are my hero. With your light-red ink:). Love, Yas

    Reply

  8. victoria brooks
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 00:16:13

    Barbara, all of my thoughts have been captured in the previous posts. Something though drew me to me the blog though I too was afraid of what I would discover. Isn’t that crazy? You are the one dealing with the knowledge of the metastasized cancer. Today I heard a story of a person who had a diseased heart. While waiting and waiting for the next life saving procedure, their heart healed on its own. So fight on soror with everything you’ve got. I think of you daily and send my very best and pray for your healing. Sisterly, Victoria

    Reply

  9. Regina Spellers Sims
    Nov 18, 2012 @ 00:57:25

    Ship you are brave beyond words and my shero. Love heals and miracles do happen. Standing in faith with you. My candle is lit and arms stretched forth sending good energy to you. Love Gina #14

    Reply

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