An Expiration Date

Pink Ink…

Quick update.  It has been a helluva 2 weeks!  That’s the nicest thing I can say about this time.  Big B and I have been in a daze.  We have cried more than we have ever cried.  I think I can now officially write or talk about every possible experience of having Breast Cancer!  Now I know what it is like to hear that cancer is in your blood and there is really nothing to do except manage quality of life.  I could write about this all day, but I won’t.  Here is the abridged version. (forgive spelling/grammar errors!)

Thoughts that have consumed me:

• Most women live 1-3 years with this diagnosis.
• What about my baby girl?
• Big B and I have so much more to do! I can’t leave him! WHAT ABOUT HIM?
• Will this kill my parents?
• WHAT ABOUT MY BABY GIRl?

I could go on and on!  For a week, we thought about “lost dreams”, “lost experiences”.  For a week we didn’t sleep.  For almost 2 weeks we haven’t answered the phone. I have cried and cried for my B’s. Through all this, we had to keep a brave face for lil B because we didn’t know how to tell her. We didn’t know our plan.  So we would cry after she went to school or bed.  I would cry the few times I would talk on the phone.  But when she walked through the door, Big Girl Panties would be pulled up high! Off to a play date! Off to watch U of Michigan versus Northwestern! Off to an election night party!

Pres. Obama wins 2nd term!

But my baby is no dummy. She asked what was going on.  She said we were acting “different”.  Why the “hushed” phone calls with Mayo?

Again, I could go on and on.  But I am crying now as I write.  And frankly, I have stuff to do today.

The last 2 weeks have been about “planning”.  It was me talking to Michele and Carla about the “lessons” I need to teach while I am here.  It was me planning out videos so my Bs will be able to hear my voice and “see” me after I am gone.  One day had me in my closet cleaning out drawers because I don’t want Michele and Carla to have to go through my closet after I am gone. (That was short lived! I have way too much stuff! So that will be a long term project of purging! Ha!) It was me asking B if there was one thing that he really wanted to do or a place he wanted to see WITH ME, while I still could enjoy it.  My heart is heavy.

Treatment:

Chemo starts Monday.  CHEMO AGAIN!  We thought I would be able to participate in a trial instead of chemo.  Alas, I can’t…because I am TOO YOUNG! Seriously?  Again, you couldn’t script this! The goal is to just keep shrinking these dots until my body gives up.  Fortunately, they are not near my bronchial tubes. So as long as I don’t get sick, or the chemo doesn’t fell me, I should be ok….until the next time.  Actually, knowing that I’m starting chemo gives us something else to think about, to focus on.  I am trying to accept that I will have to get a port again.  It will be in for the rest of my life.

Big B told Lil B this weekend. Tears.

She is devastated and MAD. I can’t write about this right now, because I am wracked with pain.  But to give you a sense…she would not look at me when I came home after she found out.  She said it was “too much”.  Later, she asked me when I was going to die.  My. Heart. Broke.

Thank you for all the calls, texts, emails, and tweets.  To the folks who haven’t reached out…again. You are free.  I have released you.  This is my time to focus on my family, to focus on me.

To all who love me, I have NOT given up. We fight.  Maybe the “My life is a LIFETIME movie”, experience will work in my favor, and I will be here years from now. Thank you for the stories of REAL PEOPLE who have lived 10-15 years after terminal diagnosis.  It has given me an ounce of hope.  That is all I have.

B has begged me not to give up.  He says it’s not time yet.  I WANT to LAUGH as well as cry.  I WANT to live a comfortable life, as long as I can.  I will continue to talk, to educate.  I owe that to both my Bs, and to all the people who can learn from my Life in the Cancer Lane!

I power on.

As Red Ink reminded me yesterday during one of our cry fests, I don’t have…an expiration date!