Tick tock, Goodnight

Pink Ink….



Tick Tock…

It’s 2am, and I can’t sleep.  My mind is racing, thoughts all over the place.  “What do I have to do this week?” “It was great to hear from everybody this past week!”   “Where is Lil B going to camp?” “What the hell did my nurse say again?”  “I LOVE iMovie!” “I clearly can’t go a month without blogging again!”  “Why can’t I sleep?”  “My fingers hurt!” “When is SpaDay?” 

So I’m typing (with 3 fingers!) hoping this will release some energy and I can go to sleep. Let’s see how this goes?


My mind is racing because my life is a rollercoaster! A roller coaster that goes fast, then slow, forward then backwards, then jerks from side to side!  You know, the rollercoaster that makes you really sick!  My rollercoaster takes me to a great weekend in Philly, and then 4 days later plunges backward with the news that my chemo regimen is no longer as effective as it needs to be.   Then, fast-forward again for a GoRed luncheon, a black tie dinner, and graduation parties.  All, good times!  Then, dead halt at 5am on Mother’s Day when I can’t stop crying with the thought that this could be my last Mother’s Day.


Just like on a roller coaster, I am kind of used to the twists and turns of Life in The Cancer Lane.  But it never fails to throw me, when the ride goes backwards.  I was just getting used to not being able to plan my life more than a couple weeks, hell, a couple days in advance.  Seriously, I feel good!  No cancer “symptoms”.  Just fatigue and my finger pain! (water hurts my hands!)  So when my CT scan said that some spots had grown, (GROWN!)  I was thrown backwards.  Now what?!


Tick tock…

Chemo today. (I’m now in my 6th month!) I am madly itching on the inside.  The same side where the cancer grows! I can’t reach it.  I am literally using 3 fingers to type.  My body is literally dripping sweat from the chemo coursing through me.  I am tired, yet I can’t sleep! I am NOT medicated.


Don’t worry.  I am not depressed.  I am not done fighting. I am just, at this moment, (It’s 2:30am!) exhausted.

At least once a week, someone says to me that they forget that I have cancer because I seem to be doing well.  I guess I am.  But I don’t forget.  We don’t forget.

No need for any nervous phone calls or texts to Big B. (Seriously, don’t! He doesn’t even know I am up!) No need for an intervention. This is just the “not so pretty” side of Life in the Cancer Lane that you don’t see.  Tonight…errr…this morning… I had to share what it feels like to be hanging upside down in the loop of a rollercoaster.  You just hold on, and close your eyes.images

Perhaps now I can sleep.

Tick tock…Goodnight.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Andrea Smith
    May 14, 2013 @ 12:03:21

    Hey B–
    Wow, at the same time you are not sleeping…I am heading out (well, let me be honest, trying to head out) to go to work. As a reluctant rider of roller coasters, I can definitely relate to that ride. Thank you for sharing; I appreciate your candor and humor even when it may not be intentional. As always you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am planning to come to Iris’ conference. I hope I will see you there! Hugs & Kisses


  2. TME
    May 15, 2013 @ 03:05:29

    REALLY powerful post, B. So glad you channeled your energy into putting the proverbial pen to paper. Cathartic beyond measure. Keep feeling. Keep writing. Keep shining.

    T Marie


  3. musicalmona2012
    May 15, 2013 @ 05:02:34

    Hey, baby niece…..I am not sure if you and I are up at the same time trying to get some sleep….. I was up ’til 3:30 a.m. Mon. morn and it looks like I might be doing the same thing tonight..gotta read the Fri, Sat, Sun, Monday and Tuesday news or history by now..I was all over the internet….then I thought about YOU. came here and you were writing. It is a blessing for me to read your writing. It allows me to self-examine and realize that if YOU have so much strength to endure….WELL I can’t complain. Happy Mother’s Day..blow a kiss to lil B for me. Love, MONA
    PS…did Mom tell you about me driving into the fence and house next door….I survived.


  4. Kimberly
    May 17, 2013 @ 01:45:15

    how utterly intense… I suspect that you feel so alone at moments like these. You are loved by so many, yet your experience is, in many ways, both solitary and isolating…. I get it…


  5. karenabigail
    Jun 03, 2013 @ 15:23:25

    Tight hugs and all the love you can stand.


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