Happy New Year!
That’s right! HAPPY NEW YEAR! Sounds crazy huh? Well it is my Mini Me’s birthday, and also the 1st day of school! So in a lot of ways, it’s the beginning of a new year! Time passes by so quickly. So much has happened in a month, that I can’t possibly address it today. It has been filled with a few good times, and LOTS of pain. Pain I have only seen when I had my mastectomy and last summer when I had the crippling headaches. But rather than go through all of that…today…I thought I would take a few minutes to honor my Mini Me.
In November of last year, I remember praying and crying and praying and crying that I would MAKE it to see my Mini Me’s 11th birthday. You see, when it sinks in that you are terminal, at 1st you spend a bit of time wondering “when”. After a while, after a bit of trial and error, I learned to focus on the time that we have. That we have NOW to spend together. This year has definitely had it’s ups and downs, especially the last few weeks. But for the most part, it has been as good as can be expected.
I am constantly amazed by my daughter’s strength. I know most parents think their kids are awesome, and I am no different. But I am also honest. Sometimes she makes me want to scream. After all, she is a preteen! Two weeks ago, she asked me, AGAIN, why everything has to be about me, when we are planning something. Big B grabbed my hand because he knew she was about to “catch a loss”.
Or she makes me laugh. Example….Recently, I asked her why she thought I was writing the play. Her answer? TO BE ON TV!!! Really? TO. BE. ON. TV.
So imagine me sitting there explaining to her that I was doing it for HER. So she would be proud of her mom when I was gone. So she would know that I always fought, always wanted to educate. So she could be proud of ME! She turned to me and laughed. “I thought it was so you could be on TV”. WOW.
But then I balance that with her incredible strength while on a quick family getaway a few weeks ago. It was shortly after my 3rd lung drain. My meds were not working enough. All I could do is lay there and cry. My body was shaking from the pain. I couldn’t speak through the pain. I did manage to whisper to her NOT to tell Daddy. He needed to rest! (It was his vacay too, after all! ) Lil B and my mom sprung into action…into stealth mode. Next thing I knew, I had more meds, ice packs, Lil B was wiping my nose. Wet washcloth on my head. Then she and mom climbed in bed with me and soothed me until I could finally fall asleep. (Side note! HATS OFF to my mother for allowing a 10 year old to take over and guide this process. She is of the “you’re the child” generation” so I know this was tough! Thanks mom) All the while, my dad and hubby were out front enjoying a cocktail and catching up! A lot of kids would freak out in this situation. Not my little one. She even pushed my wheelchair through the airport. Head held high. Gotta love her.
After my play reading, I was surprised by how many audience members appreciated the “caregiver” scene, where characters acknowledge their caregivers. Many came up to me and shared that they never thought of kids as caregivers until viewing the play. Well today I salute my caregiver! My Mini me!
Baby girl, one day you will read this, and hopefully you will know how proud I am of you! Proud to be your mom! Guided everyday by your strength, your laughter, your love. I hope you will be proud of me, for everything I do is for you, and daddy. I hope to be around for many more birthdays, many more 1st days of school. What ever life brings us, know that I will always be with you, as you have been with me during this journey.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!
Unfortunately, I can’t have a cocktail. (damn meds…) But today, I celebrate…YOU!
UPDATE: I sit with tears streaming down. Typing with one hand. Other hand not working. I am unable to go to her birthday dinner. I tried. I stood, I sat back down. No energy. Can’t breathe. Heart. Is. Broken. I saw the heartbreak in her eyes. She rubbed MY tears. Told ME to stop crying. “It’s ok Mommy”. (But it’s not) I apologized through tears. I have never missed one. She is OF me. Why today of all days? Transfussion tomorrow…
I PRAY I can make it up to her next year. Must sign off. #LifeInTheCancerLane