You!

Pink Ink…

2008 Throwback picture! 3 generations...

2008 Throwback picture! 3 generations…

Happy New Year!

That’s right!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Sounds crazy huh?  Well it is my Mini Me’s birthday, and also the 1st day of school!   So in a lot of ways, it’s the beginning of a new year!  Time passes by so quickly.  So much has happened in a month, that I can’t possibly address it today.  It has been filled with a few good times, and LOTS of pain.  Pain I have only seen when I had my mastectomy and last summer when I had the crippling headaches.  But rather than go through all of that…today…I thought I would take a few minutes to honor my Mini Me.

In November of last year, I remember praying and crying and praying and crying that I would MAKE it to see my Mini Me’s 11th birthday.  You see, when it sinks in that you are terminal, at 1st you spend a bit of time wondering “when”.  After a while, after a bit of trial and error, I  learned to focus on the time that we have.  That we have NOW to spend together.  This year has definitely had it’s ups and downs, especially the last few weeks.  But for the most part, it has been as good as can be expected.

They've take out 3 liters s far!

They’ve taken out 3 liters so far!

I am constantly amazed by my daughter’s strength.  I know most parents think their kids are awesome, and I am no different.  But I am also honest.  Sometimes she makes me want to scream.  After all, she is a preteen!  Two weeks ago, she asked me,  AGAIN, why everything has to be about me, when we are planning something.  Big B grabbed my hand because he knew she was about to “catch a loss”.

Or she makes me laugh.  Example….Recently, I asked her why she thought I was writing the play.  Her answer?  TO BE ON TV!!!  Really?  TO. BE. ON. TV.

So imagine me sitting there explaining to her that I was doing it for HER.  So she would be proud of her mom when I was gone.  So she would know that I always fought, always wanted to educate.  So she could be proud of ME!  She turned to me and laughed.  “I thought it was so you could be on TV”.  WOW.

But then I balance that with her incredible strength while on a quick family getaway a few weeks ago.  It was shortly after my 3rd lung drain.  My meds were not working enough.  All I could do is lay there and cry.  My body was shaking from the pain.  I couldn’t speak through the pain.  I did manage to whisper to her NOT to tell Daddy.  He needed to rest!  (It was his vacay too, after all! )  Lil B and my mom sprung into action…into stealth mode.  Next thing I knew, I had more meds, ice packs, Lil B was wiping my nose.  Wet washcloth on my head.  Then she and mom climbed in bed with me and soothed me until I could finally fall asleep. (Side note! HATS OFF to my mother for allowing a 10 year old to take over and guide this process.  She is of the “you’re the child” generation” so I know this was tough!  Thanks mom) All the while, my dad and hubby were out front enjoying a cocktail and catching up!  A lot of kids would freak out in this situation.  Not my little one.  She even pushed my wheelchair through the airport. Head held high.  Gotta love her.

One of the better days of vacay. 3 Generations!

2013! One of the better days of vacay. 3 Generations!

After my play reading, I was surprised by how many audience members appreciated the “caregiver” scene, where characters acknowledge their caregivers.  Many came up to me and shared that they never thought of kids as caregivers until viewing the play.  Well today I salute my caregiver! My Mini me!

Baby girl, one day you will read this, and hopefully you will know how proud I am of you!  Proud to be your mom! Guided everyday by your strength, your laughter, your love.   I hope you will be proud of me, for everything I do is for you, and daddy.  I hope to be around for many more birthdays, many more 1st days of school.  What ever life brings us, know that I will always be with you, as you have been with me during this journey.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

Unfortunately, I can’t have a cocktail.  (damn meds…)  But today, I celebrate…YOU!

 

UPDATE: I sit with tears streaming down. Typing with one hand. Other hand not working.  I am unable to go to her birthday dinner.  I tried. I stood, I sat back down. No energy. Can’t breathe. Heart. Is. Broken. I saw the heartbreak in her eyes.  She rubbed MY tears.  Told ME to stop crying.  “It’s ok Mommy”. (But it’s not) I apologized through tears. I have never missed one.  She is OF me. Why today of all days?  Transfussion tomorrow…

I PRAY I can make it up to her next year.  Must sign off. #LifeInTheCancerLane

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Joyce
    Aug 15, 2013 @ 23:03:59

    This brought tears to my eyes. We often underestimate the power of children to cope. It’s because we don’t give them the opportunities that you are giving your daughter. She will carry on with your resilience because you are teaching her how.

    Reply

  2. karenabigail
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 05:54:50

    She is of you and she IS you. She is transitioning into the strong young woman you’ve raised her to be. Don’t be so hard in yourself sis. She understands. Love you.

    Reply

  3. motv8her
    Aug 17, 2013 @ 03:41:52

    As the others have said, Lil B is you! She’s been trained by the best to be the best in all situations. She’s still very much 11 with a big girl’s heart and love for her mother/family. Children know when it’s time to be a tween thinking only of themselves. Then you are able to be the mother she needs you to be, with Big B holding your hand before she “catch a loss”…love that 🙂 And, they know when it’s time to be the compassionate human being they are raised to be. Then you ride or lay back and let them show you what you’ve done as their mother. God bless the Bs during this incredibly rough roller coaster ride. Looking forward to reading or better yet hearing you read your play. YOLO!

    Reply

  4. Abiana Conliffe
    Aug 18, 2013 @ 02:17:55

    Lovely Soror, I’m not sure if you remember me; Abi (Irwin), I was a member of ZA when you were our grad adviser back in the latter part of the 90s. (I pledged Fall ’95, and I had a little boy born in ’97). Anyway, I came to your blog via DBO’s Facebook page and wanted to send you some love and hugs.

    Reply

  5. Dee Crews
    Aug 18, 2013 @ 18:08:42

    I continue to pray for you and your family. The memories of you becoming a strong and amazing adult will forever bring a smile to my face. I smile now, for the courageous young women, who reared an amazing daughter! XO-D. Crews

    Reply

  6. Tracey Walker
    Aug 20, 2013 @ 05:31:37

    Lil B is such an amazing daughter, friend, granddaughter and niece. I am so in awe of her strength and courage. Please know she gets it. You will live out loud forever through her and the dynamic accomplishments that are destined in her future. I love you so much and I am proud of the determination and effort you put forth each day. You are my hero!!

    T

    Reply

  7. Rosalyn
    Aug 21, 2013 @ 07:29:48

    Happy New Year to You Barb! I admire your strength and your fight. Your fight for the cause has resonated in my heart. Even if you could not speak at the Links conference this summer, you spoke to me. Thanks for picking me up to join in the “New Year’s celebration”

    Reply

  8. LaVern Tarkington
    Sep 02, 2013 @ 04:52:08

    You are so brave and wise to do this for “Lil B”, “Big B”and the rest of us who Love you so much. It is all about ME at this moment because I have missed those special conversations of sharing and venting!! As my roommate at L A Regional we bonded forever!!
    My prayer for you daily has been for healing and God’s Will. I hope to have another visit with you soon.
    💐Love, Auntie LaVern

    Reply

  9. P. Scott Montgomery
    Oct 12, 2013 @ 20:53:34

    Barbara,

    I read the BET article Lauren forwarded. What a great idea, the blog, and I will subscribe to it from this point on and spread the word on the very important information you are providing.

    Reply

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