No Words…

red ink…

inkwell chicksThanks everyone for your messages.   I so appreciate all of you and the  “family” we’ve become because of Pink Ink.   Our collective thoughts and prayers should be focused on the B’s as they take the next steps on their journey.

This is an email that I sent to Pink Ink a couple of weeks ago.  I’m not sure whether she ever read it.  We didn’t talk about it when we saw each other or when we talked last week.   It just expresses what I need to…

Hey Girl,
There are no words that can adequately express what’s in my heart but I need to try…

B called me on Friday to say what I thought I’d been preparing myself for, and it literally took the wind out of me. As he talked, I reminded myself to breathe. Just the other day I was telling Yas that I was thankful for the time that we’ve had together and that I felt like I was not in the same kind of pain that I had been in before because we really have had a chance to work through some stages together. You know better than almost anyone else how I like to (sharing this characteristic with you, all day!) be in control and make sense of things. Still, the floor came out from under me as Brendon spoke. I tried hard to concentrate on every word…I heard…”cancer spread to brain…we are moving to hospice, hopefully at home…time is short…come now if I want to, but the B’s need the weekend together to just, well, be together in the face of this.” Turns out…I’m not really ready to say goodbye.

A couple of things that I need you to know…first, I love you and will miss you like you can’t even imagine (tears streaming down my face 😭on the plane so much so that the little boy near me is asking his mommy what’s wrong with me…lol) You’re my sister as much as my blood sister. You know I hold it close so there aren’t a million of you… As I continue to love you and all that we’ve shared, I promise to share that love with your lil B for as long as I’m on this side.

Second, I need you to know that I’m grateful for the unexpected sister that you’ve been. Celebrating our sameness and our differences made me better – “because I knew you.” (Can’t you just hear Elphaba and Galinda singing now…)

We have experienced joy (watching our “babies,” especially our girls, play together at the Inkwell and become the family we so wanted them to be), laughed out loud so much, even in the midst of this (I’ll never forget the little boy on the elevator story), figured things out together (from speeches to how to put someone in check), told one another that we “could do it” when feeling a little shaky, and shared so many stories about our husbands, our children and our families and reminded each other of the joy and blessing of it all when we needed to. While we have each cried immeasurable tears about some of the things we shared, it strikes me that our time together wasn’t marked by tears…we rarely cried together. Our time has been marked by full out laughter, fun, craziness, understanding and being understood. Our time together has been marked by JOY. That what I carry in my heart, and I hope you carry in yours.

For a long time felt like I was supposed to be the one teaching – that’s how we started after all and I’m the “big” sister – but you have schooled me girl, and I have learned life lessons from you about strength, determination, unconditional love, and grace, even when it ain’t pretty. You’ve been an awesome teacher. Even red ink needs a few “corrections” every now and then. I suspect I’ll just keep asking for your guidance, so keep an open ear…please?

For my 50th birthday, you know I said I was going to get a tattoo (and you promptly called me cray…). But I was determined…no temporaries, but clear, indelible, unremovable ink…Hey girl, I think you might actually be my “tattoo”…my pink ink that has made an imprint on my heart, and will always, always, always be with me. Love you girl…

Nothing else that I have to say is that important…what do you want or need me to do? ❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😥😥😥💔