An Expiration Date

Pink Ink…

Quick update.  It has been a helluva 2 weeks!  That’s the nicest thing I can say about this time.  Big B and I have been in a daze.  We have cried more than we have ever cried.  I think I can now officially write or talk about every possible experience of having Breast Cancer!  Now I know what it is like to hear that cancer is in your blood and there is really nothing to do except manage quality of life.  I could write about this all day, but I won’t.  Here is the abridged version. (forgive spelling/grammar errors!)

Thoughts that have consumed me:

  • Most women live 1-3 years with this diagnosis.
  • What about my baby girl?
  • Big B and I have so much more to do! I can’t leave him! WHAT ABOUT HIM?
  • Will this kill my parents?
  • WHAT ABOUT MY BABY GIRl?

I could go on and on!  For a week, we thought about “lost dreams”, “lost experiences”.  For a week we didn’t sleep.  For almost 2 weeks we haven’t answered the phone. I have cried and cried for my B’s. Through all this, we had to keep a brave face for lil B because we didn’t know how to tell her. We didn’t know our plan.  So we would cry after she went to school or bed.  I would cry the few times I would talk on the phone.  But when she walked through the door, Big Girl Panties would be pulled up high! Off to a play date! Off to watch U of Michigan versus Northwestern! Off to an election night party!

Pres. Obama wins 2nd term!

But my baby is no dummy. She asked what was going on.  She said we were acting “different”.  Why the “hushed” phone calls with Mayo?

Again, I could go on and on.  But I am crying now as I write.  And frankly, I have stuff to do today.

The last 2 weeks have been about “planning”.  It was me talking to Michele and Carla about the “lessons” I need to teach while I am here.  It was me planning out videos so my Bs will be able to hear my voice and “see” me after I am gone.  One day had me in my closet cleaning out drawers because I don’t want Michele and Carla to have to go through my closet after I am gone. (That was short lived! I have way too much stuff! So that will be a long term project of purging! Ha!) It was me asking B if there was one thing that he really wanted to do or a place he wanted to see WITH ME, while I still could enjoy it.  My heart is heavy.

Treatment:

Chemo starts Monday.  CHEMO AGAIN!  We thought I would be able to participate in a trial instead of chemo.  Alas, I can’t…because I am TOO YOUNG! Seriously?  Again, you couldn’t script this! The goal is to just keep shrinking these dots until my body gives up.  Fortunately, they are not near my bronchial tubes. So as long as I don’t get sick, or the chemo doesn’t fell me, I should be ok….until the next time.  Actually, knowing that I’m starting chemo gives us something else to think about, to focus on.  I am trying to accept that I will have to get a port again.  It will be in for the rest of my life.

Big B told Lil B this weekend. Tears.

She is devastated and MAD. I can’t write about this right now, because I am wracked with pain.  But to give you a sense…she would not look at me when I came home after she found out.  She said it was “too much”.  Later, she asked me when I was going to die.  My. Heart. Broke.

Thank you for all the calls, texts, emails, and tweets.  To the folks who haven’t reached out…again. You are free.  I have released you.  This is my time to focus on my family, to focus on me.

To all who love me, I have NOT given up. We fight.  Maybe the “My life is a LIFETIME movie”, experience will work in my favor, and I will be here years from now. Thank you for the stories of REAL PEOPLE who have lived 10-15 years after terminal diagnosis.  It has given me an ounce of hope.  That is all I have.

B has begged me not to give up.  He says it’s not time yet.  I WANT to LAUGH as well as cry.  I WANT to live a comfortable life, as long as I can.  I will continue to talk, to educate.  I owe that to both my Bs, and to all the people who can learn from my Life in the Cancer Lane!

I power on.

As Red Ink reminded me yesterday during one of our cry fests, I don’t have…an expiration date!

Of Fighting

Pink Ink…

“This is a time of compassion and a time of healing.  I go within and connect with that part of myself that knows how to heal.  It is possible.  I know that I am in the process of healing.  During this time, I discover my healing abilities-abilities that are strong and powerful. I am incredibly capable.  I am willing to go to a new level to truly heal myself on all possible levels.   I am spirit.  And being spirit, I am free to help myself-and the world”-Louise Hay

This is the meditation I am now saying.  Life just got real…again.

Here’s the quick and dirty.  My breast cancer has “metastasized” in my lungs.  This means that the cancer has spread from its original spot into another place in the body.  Although some types of metastatic cancers can be cured, most cannot.

Big B and I got the news late Friday night.  Needless to say we are devastated and in shock.  I guess this is what most people go through when they get their initial diagnosis.  So now I know what it feels like to contemplate the very real possibility that I won’t see my daughter off to college.  The very real possibility of B being a widower.  Not a good weekend.  I have never clung to my husband harder and longer than I did Friday.

But you know me.  BIG GIRL PANTIES!

Saturday, after no sleep, Lil B and I had mommy-daughter day.  I took her to get her hair done, then went bra shopping…for both of us!! Then we had lunch, followed by her putting make up on me! Good times!  Later that night, the 3 of us went to the movies. Trust me, it was tough!  During the day I would steal away to briefly cry. To mourn.  I cried freely under the cover of “Wreck it Ralph”, the movie!  While I haven’t been sleeping, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I have to teach her! So Sunday morning she learned to make pancakes by herself.  It was a little messy, but they tasted good. Next up? Omelets! She has now been charged with cooking breakfast for us over Thanksgiving!  Later, we went to the AZ State Fair.

High atop the ferris wheel!

This was a big deal because last year I missed it due to chemo.  While I didn’t want to go this year, I did.  Because I had to.

This is shocking to everyone.

WE HAVE NOT TOLD LIL B.

 

Again, WE HAVE NOT TOLD LIL B. 

So please, if you call, please don’t refer to it in detail.  We will share once we figure out our plan.  Fortunately, I am feeling good. I don’t look or feel sick.  I don’t want to spend my days wondering if this cough or that bruise is because I am dying.  I have too much to do before then.  I have to believe that this is part of God’s plan.  I have to keep spreading “the word”!

Thank you in advance for your love, support and prayers!  We need it all, and then some.  If I don’t take your call, don’t take it personally.  (Seems like I’ve said that MANY times before! LOL) The blog will continue. Ironically, we started the blog in November 2011.  Lately, I had been thinking how it would continue. What stories would we tell? Funny how things happen.

Reminder: Don’t check Facebook for updates! Not going to happen! Lol

B and I need to focus on our family.  I need to focus on filling up my husband and daughter with all the love and information I have to give.  I need to continue creating great memories for them.  I am so thankful that Big B and I had the opportunity to renew our vows this year, surrounded by love. I will always treasure that, and hope Big and Lil B will also.

B said he’d hang around awhile longer!

I am indeed tired already of the tests, and prodding from treatment.  I am indeed already tired of crying.  I am indeed tired of being the poster girl for “Things that can happen”.  I am indeed tired of people crying for me.  I am indeed…TIRED!

But I am NOT tired…of fighting.