Fight to the finish

pink ink…

Big B has given me a 15-minute reprieve to get this post in! So buckle your seat belts! It’s a bumpy ride!

Sunday was a great and uplifting day! My Cancer Mentors and I spent several hours taping PSAs about Life in the Cancer Lane. (Shout out to up and coming Director Ms. Crystal) We covered make up during chemo, how to tie scarves, and how to choose and style a wig, to name a few topics. The best part of the afternoon was when we discussed why one needs a Cancer Mentor in the Cancer Lane, and what it has meant to each of us. It was also interesting to just reflect on the fact that we were 3 black women all diagnosed in our early 40s. While our stories are similar, they are also vastly different. But the experiences provide a plethora of information. I went to bed on the eve of my surgery feeling good.

Fast forward. Surgery scheduled for early afternoon was delayed 2 hours. Mind you, I hadn’t eaten in about 15 hours. They gave me a mouth swab to “wet” my mouth. Didn’t work! Cancer Mentor Tracey and Big B tried to keep me calm! I was delirious by the time I was wheeled into the operating room. So here we go…

I was deflated even more while in surgery. Now my breast is 70% smaller than it was just 2 days ago. I already miss my DDs. Alas, it was not meant to be. I was deflated, b/c the surgeon needed to cut out a large swatch of skin. In addition, while “in there”, she found even more cancer. Again, you read correctly. MORE cancer. We have come to learn that in the 20 years of my doctor performing surgery, she has seen this kind of re-appearance of cancer cells after a mastectomy only 2 other times.

One person lived.

I am number 3….with a Frankenstein looking scar above my mastectomy scar.

We are numb. Plain and simple, just numb. Big B had to have the “timeline for survival” talk with my doctor. The “are we on a countdown to the end?” conversation. The “will she live?” conversation. When he told me that, I was devastated. It was the 1st time we spoke of mortality, in real terms. My husband needs a wife! My daughter needs a mom! I need a vacation with my husband and daughter and no pain! The fact is, we just don’t know where the finish line is anymore. But we will fight, as long as we can! That said, we need a few days to get our heads back in the game. I need time to physically heal from all of the cutting. I am only posting now b/c we have received so many emails and calls, that I felt an obligation to answer the questions all at once. No funny anecdote today. Not sure when radiation will start. Probably in a week, because they want to try and stop any other cells from developing.

Side note, I also had my other breast reduced by 70%, so at least I am symmetrical again! They did this so the left breast wouldn’t get in the way of the radiation of the right breast. I must be honest and say that I am sad about the smaller size. In my crazed emotional state, I gave my Radio-oncologist, who is also my girl, the business about requiring my boobs to stay smaller during radiation! That was before I knew how serious this new detour is. (Sorry Dr. Michele!) I must tell you, I miss my new breasts already, even more than I miss my God given breasts!! I got used to my new girls after only 6 weeks! LOL! Oh well. I know that we prefer health to humps! Lol. My Cancer Mentor Tracey has a shirt that says, “These are fake! The real ones tried to kill me”. Clearly, a shirt meant for me!

I keep asking myself what is my message in all this. That answer changes at every turn. For a long time, I have been saying it’s “know your body”.

But today, I think it’s…fight to the finish.